Real Talk with Rachele, where we discuss all things disabled sex.

In our last blog post we talked about connecting with partners, and this month we’ll be chatting about connecting with ourselves – that is, masturbation and solo-sex!

Whether you have a sexual or romantic partner or not, exploring your sexuality on your own is important for a few reasons:

1. When we know what we like and don’t like we’re, better able to discuss it with a partner. There is also less pressure during the exploration phase if we’re just doing it on our own.
2. We are our own longest-term sex partner so it’s good practice to get acquainted with ourselves. Knowing how we can give ourselves pleasure means we don’t have to settle for partners that don’t quite meet our expectations.
3. It’s fun! And we shouldn’t be reliant on another person’s sexual wants and needs to fulfill our own.

The tricky part about self-pleasure is that disability can make it difficult. Sometimes it’s the emotional or psychological aspect – connecting with your body can be tricky if you already feel disconnected from it for any reason. And sometimes it’s the physical aspect – we can’t reach a certain area or utilize the body part we want because it doesn’t move easily or on its own.

So, let’s look at some tips and tricks for solo pleasure to work through some of these barriers we might face:

Tip 1: Plan ahead.

Prepare all the supplies you might need to have some successful alone time, that can include toys, lube, music, a certain outfit, snacks, water, towels, and whatever else! And consider the space you’ll be using. Does a loved one or caregiver know not to disturb you while you’re in the middle of your alone time? I always make a point of letting my partner know how much time I think I’ll need and not to come in until I text them that I’m finished up.

Tip 2: Start with the brain.

For a lot of us with any nerve injuries, sensation can be complicated, especially in the genitals. But sex doesn’t start and end with the genitals! One of the most important body parts for feeling turned on is our brain. Rather than just jamming a vibrator or our hands onto our genitals the second we’re alone, let’s engage our brains in the process first. For me, I like to read smut or erotic novels because I like where my imagination takes me from there. But you could also enlist the help or porn, erotic comics, old sexts from a partner, smutty magazines, or any other material that gets you going. Let your pleasure build up through your brain, and then you can involve your body.

Tip 3: Focus on the process, not the end.

A lot of people tend to focus on orgasm as the goal of sex, partnered or solo. But sex isn’t meant to be a goal-oriented activity. Masturbation is a self-pleasure and self-exploration tool, so if it feels good, you’re doing it right! When we focus too much on a single goal that may or may not happen, we miss all the opportunities for real pleasure we could be experiencing along the way. Take your time and really lean into the experience.

Tip 4: Slow down and take breaks when needed.

If you notice yourself getting tired or experiencing a hard emotion, it doesn’t mean you have to end your solo session (unless you want to). There’s always the opportunity to slow down or take a break and then return to whatever you were doing before or start something new. Maybe you need a snack or something to drink, or maybe you just needed a time out. In your planning stages, think about what these breaks might look like and plan for them too. And if you’re worried about losing momentum, continue to engage your brain in a way that still feels like a break. Pull the erotic novel you were reading back out, or turn on a calmer porn video, whatever keeps your brain engaged at a level that feels right.

Tip 5: Bring out the toys!

Sex toys are my bread and butter, I spend a lot of time with them in my work. Sex toys and position accessories are great because they make things easier, kind of like our mobility aids and assistive devices! For this tip, I’ve compiled a list of some personal favorites and what they’re useful for, and some links to online stores if you feel so inclined to try one out.

Wand-style vibrator

Vibrations are great because they add a new sensation that the body doesn’t produce on its own, and depending on how you position it, you might not have to do any moving around yourself.

Since the wand-style vibrator has a long handle, it can be easily attached to other things for better accessibility. You can attach it to a pillow or put a hand or wrist strap on it to change up how it’s held.

Stroker sleeve

A stroker sleeve is a squishy, hollow tube, usually with a textured inside, that a penis can insert into. This can add grip and stimulation to a penis during masturbation.

I recommend a hard case stroker sleeve, since they can be more easily attached to other things, like a pillow or a wrist strap.

Wedge pillows
All pillows are great for adjusting positioning, but wedge pillows are especially useful for this since they tend to be a bit sturdier.
Wedge pillows can help prop the hips up which can help with insertion or reach, and they can be useful for propping our upper body up so we can see better. There are some fancier styles created by sex toy companies (see below), but a quick google search for wedge pillow will bring up many different options at many different prices

Pumps

Genital pumps work by forcing blood flow into our genitals to create swelling, which is the basis for an erection, or the physical elements of being turned on. Essentially, pumps create erections when someone cannot have one on their own.

Pumps come in different shapes and sizes, but the most common ones are for penises, vulvas, and clitorises. For best use, make sure to create a good seal (some lube can help with this), and then pump till you either see or feel some swelling.

Constriction ring

Also known as c-rings or cock rings, a constriction ring is a stretchy band that can be worn at the base of the penis, or behind the testicles, to prevent blood flow from leaving the penis and entering back into the body, essentially prolonging an erection.

This is a great addition to a penis pump, since it keeps up the erection we created manually. I usually recommend starting with 20 minutes, but some people may choose to keep one on longer with experience.

Lube

Lube (or lubricant) is great for reducing friction and dispersing vibrations, and some toys sort of require it to work best (see above with pumps). Some genitals may self-lubricate (like the vulva), but many don’t (penis and anus). Adding lube is also a safety precaution, since reducing friction also helps to avoid tears, which can be painful and lead to infection.

There are so many lubes on the market, and the ingredients to watch out for can be complicated and dependent on the toy you are using, so my recommendation is to start with a very simple, water-based lube. My personal favorite to recommend to people is Slippery Stuff since it tends to be good for sensitive skin and has a nice thickness to it.

Well, there you have it, my list of tips for solo and self-pleasure, and a list of toys that could be nice additions to your solo time. If you have any questions about anything I’ve shared here, questions about making adaptations to toys you might already have, or any advice or tips you want to share, please reach out through the

Real Talk contact form!

The next topic we cover will be focused on safer sex practices. We’ll chat about testing procedures, protection options, other safety considerations you may not have thought about. Feel free to get in touch and tell us what sort of questions you have about safer sex practices and let us know what safer sex means to you.