Welcome back to Real Talk with Rachele, where we discuss all things disabled sex! This month we’re talking about mental health, neurodivergence, and the ways our brains interact with our bodies, and in turn, our sex lives.

Something we’ve discussed in past months is that our brains are a huge part of our sexualities. We need to take time to think about our boundaries and desires, be able to communicate them with another person, and the brain is a great place to start to get turned on.

But for many of us who experience mental health challenges, mental illness, or neurodivergence, sometimes our brains also create barriers to our exploration of sexuality. So for this post’s focus, we’ll look at some tips for navigating sexuality-related barriers that might come from the brain.

Sensory sensitivities, overwhelm and distraction

One of the main issues I hear from the people I work with is concerns related to the sensory overwhelm that comes with sex. We are inundated with sensations, textures and smells that can be intense! And it’s hard to enjoy ourselves when we are overwhelmed.

Taking breaks

One tool for sensory overwhelm that I think anyone can benefit from is taking breaks. I know that there is this idea that a sexual experience is supposed to go from 0-100 and never let up until it’s completely over, but that’s just not how it works for most people! Breaks are great for check ins, sensory resets, and just taking care of your needs like hydration and comfort. Taking breaks does not mean you are “ruining the mood”, and the sex is likely to be better when we allow ourselves times for adjustment and care.

Grounding exercises

These are classic for anyone who experiences anxiety or overstimulation. I’m sure many of us have hear of the “five senses” exercise, but I like to find ways to make it sexy.

For those who haven’t heard of it, the five senses exercise is a simple activity that helps us ground ourselves in the present. It encourages us to engage with our surroundings in a controlled way. It goes like this:

• Look around and acknowledge/describe five things you can see (colour, shapes, textures)
• Find and engage with four things you can touch (consider texture, temperature and weight)
• Listen and acknowledge three things you can hear (distinct sounds in your environment)
• Take a deep breath and find two things you can smell (smells you like or smells you don’t)
• Acknowledge something you can taste

You can edit this exercise to work for you, like sticking to one example of each sense. You can choose if you want to use it during a break and keep it non-sexual, or you can engage with your senses in a way that feels hot and keeps you in the moment. For example:

• What is something you can see that makes you feel turned on?
• What is one thing you can touch that makes you feel connected to yourself or your partner?
• Are you hearing any sounds that are distracting you from what you’re doing or are they keeping you in the moment?
• Do you smell something that turns you on?
• Can you incorporate your mouth into the experience (kissing or nibbling your partner)?

Sensory deprivation

Something the grounding exercise can be useful for is finding adjustments you’d like to make to avoid sensory overwhelm in the first place! And for most of these, you can find ways to remove them entirely!

Is there a smell you find unpleasant that you can’t stop focusing on? Try lighting a candle or spraying a scent that you like so your space smells how you want it to.

Are you getting distracted by lighting or looking around at things in your room? Try a blindfold or keeping the lights off!

Is there a hum in the air that is irritating you? Try putting on some music!

Ultimately, figuring out what is overwhelming you and adjusting for that is a great way to avoid sensory overwhelm in the first place, but this may take some trial and error. Remember that you won’t necessarily find the perfect fix right away, but if you take the pressure off yourself to perform sex in a certain way, you’ll have more opportunities to have the kind of sex you want that feels good!

Lowered sex drive

First and foremost, I always like to point out that lowered sex drive is only an issue if it bothers you. If you don’t feel the need to be having sex a certain amount, then you don’t have to! This is only something to address if you feel it is a problem.

However, if you do feel concerned or like something is missing from your pleasure practices because you have a lowered sex drive, then there are ways to work with it.

Figure out the cause

The first step is to try to figure out why you aren’t feeling very sexual. Are you in the middle of coming to terms with your new disability? Are you experiencing low self-esteem from changes to your body? Are you feeling disconnected from your partner and not feeling the pull of sex? Are you experiencing barriers or limitations that make having sex difficult?

Once you understand why you’re not feeling very sexual, you can find ways to address it.

If you’re in the middle of a difficult time, sex may not be the first thing on your mind! In this case it’s worth waiting to see if your sex drive returns after you feel you have more if a handle on your situation.

If you’re not feeling very sexy because you aren’t used to your body, you can find ways to connect with that part of yourself gradually. For me, it helped to read romance novels that had small elements of sex and smut, so it was gradually incorporated into my mind and body. For you, it doesn’t have to be smut but figuring out non-physical options for engaging you’re your sexuality can be a great starting point. It’s also worth finding ways to connect to your physical body that make you feel sexy. Maybe finding underwear or clothes that make you feel good and doing a little photoshoot with yourself so you have evidence of how hot you are! It’s all about affirming your sexuality for yourself.

If you’re feeling a general disconnect from your partner, try starting with non-sexual ways of building connection and intimacy. Planning opportunities for quality time, cuddling or non-sexual massage, playing a board game or card game together, the list goes on! And you don’t have to be having a full-blown conversation. I think the pressure to find something to talk about can actually make us feel further disconnected, so finding ways to engage and spend time with each other more informally is great.

If you’re experiencing barriers or limitations that are making sex feel more difficult than it’s worth, there are likely ways to address some of those barriers! Earlier in this post we discussed sensory and attention barriers. And in past posts we’ve discussed some physical barriers. Once those barriers have been addressed and adapted for, sex might feel worth having again.

Create connections between the brain and body.

We’ve discussed this in past posts, but one of the best ways to prepare for a sexual experience is to start with your brain. For many of us with decreased sensation, it can also mean lowered sex drive because our body and brain aren’t connecting to help us feel turned on.

So to work with this, I like to involve both brain and body separately and connect them myself. When I’m planning and preparing for a sexual experience, I start with my brain first. Maybe I’ll watch some porn or read something with smut to get my brain in the mood. Sometimes this feeds into a body reaction, but when it doesn’t, I just do it manually. We can incorporate toys and lube to engage our bodies in the process. Things like pumps to create blood flow and erections, vibrating toys to engage our bodies in new sensations, and lube to keep things slippery and comfortable.

If we work with both our bodies and brains at the same time, we may end up creating the connection on our own. I like to think of this as “hacking” our sex drive.

These are the main elements I think of when it comes to the ways our brains interact with our bodies, and in turn, our sex lives. Do you have other experiences you can think of? How does your mental health impact your sexuality? How does your relationship with your brain impact your physical body?

Next month, we’ll be chatting about kink, pain and alternative sexualities. Do you have experience with kink and BDSM? How do you think kink might intersect with your disabilities to create opportunities for pleasure and exploration? Let us know in the contact form on the Real Talk homepage!