Unpacking Myths: The Truth About Sex and Disability

By Rachele

Our society is rampant with myths and misinformation about sex and disability, many of which stem from ableism, sexism and other forms of oppression that look to control and subdue groups of people.

I believe this is why sexuality-related myths are so pervasive – since sexuality is such an explicit expression of bodily autonomy and self-determination, it’s no wonder people in power want to squash our ability to engage with it.

This is one of the reasons myth-busting is so important. It helps us not only to learn the truth, but also to understand and push back against the larger issues those myths stem from in the first place.

So for this month of Real Talk with Rachele, we’ll be discussing the top five most pervasive myths about sex and disability!

Myth 1: People with disabilities can’t have sex.

Truth: Sure, we can! Any consenting adult can!

The idea that disabled people can’t have sex is rooted in a few different misconceptions about disability, but at its core this myth exists because our society has very narrow definitions of both sex and disability.

If we believe that sex equates to penis in vagina penetration, a lot of people can’t have sex, regardless of disability. When we expand our ideas of what sex can look like, it becomes much easier to include many people in that definition.

We’ve also desexualized disability communities as a whole because of the assumption that disabled people are like children and can’t make decisions for themselves, and therefore cannot consent to sex.

But disabled adults are adults, and assuming otherwise is infantilizing and ableist.

Myth 2: All people with disabilities want to have sex.

Truth: Disability communities hold a variety of sexual orientations, sex drives and sexual interests, just like non-disabled folks.

In fact, sometimes in our demands to be taken seriously as sexual beings we can ostracize disabled asexual folks.

Asexuality is a spectrum that is generally understood as having little-to-no sexual attraction. This can go for romance as well (called aromantic).

There is nothing wrong with not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction, and in our efforts to have our bodily autonomy respected, we must recognise and respect people who don’t want to have sex too.

Myth 3: People with disabilities have more important things to worry about than sex.

Truth: Who gets to decide what is important to someone, shouldn’t that be our choice?

I hear this sentiment all the time from health care practitioners, especially related to acquired disabilities. In the rehabilitation process, there is a lot of focus on returning to one’s life pre-disability, and usually that centers around activities of daily living (like personal care, eating and transportation), vocational rehab (return to work), and if you’re lucky, some focus on recreation and leisure (what we do for fun). But a lot of health care practitioners feel uncomfortable talking about sex, and so that topic gets avoided and deemed “unimportant” so that practitioners don’t have to deal with it.

And outside of these rehabilitation processes, we should get to decide what is important for us! Personally, sexuality is both an important part of my leisure and an important part of my identity and claiming that either of those things are unimportant is careless and not a sign of a holistic practitioner.

Myth 4: People with disabilities cannot consent to sex if they can’t speak.

Truth: Consent is not only a verbal process, and there are also lots of ways to communicate!

There tends to be this ableist assumption that people who don’t speak also do not understand, but this is often not true. Speaking and understanding are two separate functions in the brain, and as long as we have the tools to communicate non-verbally, we can communicate our understanding.

And on top of this, lots of people, disabled or not, communicate with a variety of gestures, noises and facial expressions, including during sex. A lot of consent education really focuses on the “yes means year” and “no means no” dichotomy. Sometimes educators will go a little farther and state other words or signs for a “no”, but they often don’t go so far as to offer other options for a “yes”.

Lots of people with disabilities communicate non-verbally. Some people use communication devices, some use sign language, some use gestures and other noises, so why can’t these forms of communication be used during and in relation to sex as well? It is unfair to leave out an entire group of people out of our consent conversations and furthers the assumptions that disabled people can’t be sexual.

Myth 5: People with disabilities aren’t sexy.

Truth: Hell yes we are!

This myth really boils down to our society’s terrible and unrealistic beauty standards – the idea that you need to be thin, white and have certain body proportions to be considered beautiful. This excludes SO. MANY. PEOPLE! And clearly stems from racism, ableism and companies who want to market weight-loss supplements.

But what would happen if we moved away from those exclusionary beauty standards and focused on what we personally find beautiful? And what if we agreed that what made someone sexy wasn’t only about their looks? There is so much more to people than their face shape, chest size, eye colour and other physical attributes. And if we’re lucky enough to age, our bodies will certainly change.

Regardless of what we find sexy, there is no real reason that people with disabilities can’t be part of that category.

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Well folks, there you have it, five myths about disability and sexuality unpacked! There are so many more out there, and you are sure to hear more throughout your lives. But remember these myths exist to stop us from exploring important parts of ourselves and experiencing bodily autonomy. So, if you hear someone say things about disabled sexuality, whether negative or positive, take a second to consider where that information is coming from and take some time to unpack it for yourself.

Are there any other myths you’ve heard that we didn’t discuss? Let us know through the contact form on the Real Talk homepage!

Stay tuned for more real talk in January when we discuss why disabled sexuality is such an important topic to address as a community. And let us know in the contact form – Why is exploring sexuality important to you as someone with a disability?